Lynda M. Brennan, L.M.H.C.
Psychotherapist in Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Certified EMDR Therapist
IFS-Informed Clinician
WHAT IS CO-DEPENDENCY?
Co-dependency has become a commonly used word over the last 20-30 years, but most people only have a vague idea of what it means.
Codependency is a survival skill that we learn as a child, passed down generationally. While it has many definitions, it is simply a pattern of deeply rooted dysfunctional and learned behaviors in relationships. These behaviors impact the ability of the individual to have healthy and satisfying relationships. It is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this behavior.
Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe spouses living with an alcoholic or addict. Similar patterns were seen in people in relationships with mentally ill and chronically physically ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any person in a dysfunctional relationship or displaying certain patterns of behaviors. These patterns of behaviors can come from living with addicts, gamblers, sex/work/food/love addicts, or being brought up in any kind of dysfunction including physical/emotional/sexual abuse.
I like the example of a mobile that hangs over a baby’s crib. It is delicately balanced. Remove one piece of the mobile and it will not function, it will hang lop-sided. In a dysfunctional household, the piece of the mobile removed is the addict. The addict is not able to participate in keeping the family system healthy and the system must compensate. So the other pieces, the family members, develop unhealthy coping mechanisms so the family can still function.
Typical roles develop that we will discuss later (below). Members of a dysfunctional family suffer from fear, anger, pain and shame which is ignored and denied as the family doesn’t have the resources left over to deal with anyone else’s issues, all energy going to maintaining the addict (I use the term addict but acknowledge that part can be played by anyone who is not functioning fully). Dysfunctional families cannot acknowledge that any problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They live in survival mode. They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions.
They detach. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. Identity and emotional development are often inhibited. Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent family typically sacrifices their needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self. Which in turn leads to break downs in health: mental, emotional and physical. And this will set the family members up for addictions of their own to escape the pain of repressed feelings, thoughts and instincts. The cycle continues.
Some of The Characteristics Of People raised in a dysfunctional home:
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An exaggerated sense of responsibility for others
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A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
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An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
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People-pleasing
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Preoccupation with the problems of others
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An extreme need for approval and recognition
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A sense of guilt when trying to assert themselves
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A need to control others, to keep things ukn
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Lack of trust
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Fear of being abandoned or alone
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Difficulty identifying feelings
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Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
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Problems with intimacy/boundaries
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Chronic anger/loneliness/fear/emptiness and unmet needs
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Lying/dishonesty, frequently to manipulate how others see them
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Poor communications
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Difficulty making decisions
Previously I discussed the roles of family members in a dysfunctional family. These are an outline of the adaptive roles:
The Addict or Problem
The addict or problem is the focal point of the family. Consciously or not, family members begin to spend more time and energy dealing with the addict and the addict’s fall-out — helping, enabling or covering up what he or she missed out on in order to preserve the status quo. As the addict continues his or her behavior, family members may end up taking on more roles within the family without recognizing it. Many homes are dysfunctional without an addict present. Other types of destabilizing factors are: death of family member, involvement in other compulsive behaviors such as video games, gambling or food, to name a few.
The Caretaker
Also known as the enabler, this person often covers for the addict’s problems and responsibilities to keep the peace. The caretaker is known as the “martyr of the family” because he or she not only supports the dysfunctional behavior but shields the addict from the consequences of his or her actions. Or they lament their lot in life and allow their anger to spill over on everyone.
The Hero
The hero will do whatever he or she can to resolve the dysfunctional home life behind closed doors. This individual is typically portrayed as over-responsible, self-sufficient or even a perfectionist. Usually this role is covered by the first born child. However, by being another parental figure in the household, the hero may struggle with living up to the status and experience the pain of seeing the addict’s suffering up close. They also struggle with the loss of their childhood and having responsibilities which are not age-appropriate.
The Scapegoat
The scapegoat is the problem child — the opposite of the hero. Through acts of defiance toward other family members, the scapegoat provokes negative attention that ultimately distracts from the addict’s behavior, thus diverting the family’s attention from where it should be. The scapegoat is usually the family member who clearly sees what is going on and is in their own way trying to shine a spotlight on the issues in the home. This is a role usually performed by a middle child.
The Mascot
Known as the comedian of the group, the mascot often tries to distract the family from their communal distress caused by the addict with humor or silliness. He or she feels powerless with what’s happening and aims to prevent any family unpleasantness with antics or comedy. Negatively, the mascot is often in constant motion and becomes anxious or depressed when he or she slows down or stops. This role in often one the youngest in the family takes on.
The Lost Child
The lost child is the quiet individual who flies under the radar while other family members play their own adopted roles in dealing with the addict. The lost child stays out of the way and eventually avoids all interactions and essentially disappears. This role causes the child to grow up feeling unheard and unseen. Also usually performed by a middle child.
These roles are not permanent or stagnant. If there are only 2 children in a family unit, the children will share the various roles and swap them frequently. An only child will predominantly present as a hero child.
14 traits of an adult child from a dysfunctional family:
These are the 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an alcoholic or dysfunction family, also known as The Laundry List, from the website adultchildren.org,
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We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
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We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
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We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
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We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
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We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
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We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
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We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
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We became addicted to excitement.
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We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
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We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
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We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
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We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
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Alcoholism* is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics** and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
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Para-alcoholics (codependents) are reactors rather than actors.
If you find you identify with any of the characteristics on this page and would like help, please give me a call. I can help you navigate these issues.